Travel Log 12

Trying to think a whole new way with  a child with ASD is very challenging.  I’ve backed off on verbal cues and tried more visual cues.  It’s challenging, b/c my natural instinct is to verbalize right away.  Then to switch back and forth between my 3 year old with ASD and then my 1 ½ year old who takes verbal cues.  DH and I are coming up with some flash cards for transitions before our big trip in August.  I’m hoping this will create less tension and melt downs.  So far the visual cues are about 50% effective as he gets used to them, I think.  But the melt downs have noticeably decline.  Still there, but not as many.  Interesting trying to figure out what is ASD behavior and what is defiance of a normal 3 year old.  Lots of prayer for discernment and wisdom.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I asked my psychiatrist the last meeting if my lack of interest in intimacy with dh had to do with how run down I was (the anxiety the medication is treating-Buspar).  More than likely yes was there answer.  Obviously you can’t just say a factual yes, b/c it’s a subjective observation.  What I have, also, noticed is my headaches and migraines have decreased as well.  I’m looking back at my life and I wonder if my “anxiety” sent the wrong messages to people and thus they weren’t as inclined to befriend me or reach out.  Lately, I’ve had a number of people reach out to me and just love on me.

It makes me sad to think and realize this.  I had no idea the anxiety was ruling my life by biological default of the course of life.  I never had a chance to recover.  It was one thing after another since my childhood.  Just surviving and your body can only take so much.  And…no wonder I was so run down.  When I filled out a time line of my life…I filled out 4 pages of major life events with no problem at all and wept through the reliving of memories.   I’m still not done with the list; I just haven’t been able to revisit it yet in processing my oldest ASD.

Next week at the age of 36 I get braces, aren’t you jealous?  It’s in preparation of a jaw surgery due to how my teeth are hitting.  My back molars are almost ground down to the nerve due to it.  The surgery takes place 9-12 months after the braces are on.  Surgery happens and then another year of braces to keep things in place.   I’m sure eating will be a whole new thing and sandwiches much easier to handle 😉  The consults for this whole process were numerous, but the last one was the most traumatizing and I laugh at it now.  It was the meeting with the Oral Surgeon—showing me the skull and what they would be doing.  All I could think of was That’s my face!  My Face!    This week they put on the separators between my back molars my teeth ache to even eat a banana.  This is not going to be fun. 😛

One thing I’ve come to in my walk with God is I’m done being entitled to a “good life.”  Not that I want a horrid one, but the idea I’m entitled to the “normal” everyone wants.  That just b/c you were a virgin before marriage doesn’t automatically grant you a euphoric marriage.  That just b/c I am a Christian doesn’t automatically get me normal children.  That just b/c I’ve served God faithfully does not mean I will be rewarded in the way I deem fit.  Nor does it mean my life will be absent of pain.

God has called me deeper.

God has called me higher.

God disciplines the one He loves.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twnAwiO1O9U&sns=fb

The Offense of Forgetting

It’s been nearly a month since I gave birth to my 2^nd son.  Typical to prognosis, I have the spouting PPD that shows up at random times as hormones complete their transition back into a normal body.  The conversation with a friend was pleasant enough until a few minutes after the discussion ended.  My mind reeling of speaking of my delivery and birth experience to realize that I had not thought of my deceased mother once.  The first pregnancy and birth I mourned her absence quite frequently and figured it would strike me again when I was pregnant again.  However, this time I didn’t even think of her until weeks after my newest little man was born.

I was horrified at myself.

My confused husband wondering why I was upset that I hadn’t been upset that my mother couldn’t be a part of this important moment.  He lovingly said I was healing and that was a positive sign, but I wouldn’t have any of it.  I had forgotten her and it felt like I had betrayed her memory.

Dramatic response, perhaps.

However, I was struck by another thought that made me want to repent all previous Christmases I had rushed through.  I wonder if all this business, expectations of the holidays, plays, parties, presents, decorations, etc… take away our attention so much that Christ gets hurt that we don’t remember the whole reason we are celebrating the season.  One could call it a projection of my feelings, but why doesn’t it offend me as much that I fly through this religious ritual with all my to-do’s that Christ gets added in there somewhere quite minutely(or some kind of afterthought).

It would be quite ridiculous to go through all this trouble to celebrate someone’s birthday and get so wrapped up in the extra’s that we never stop to pay attention to the honored guest we are celebrating.

I wonder to myself, what would Christmas look like if I put HIM first instead of what is expected this season?

 

For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

Psalm 51:16-17 (NKJV)

A Prayer to Fast Politics

Abba,

 

I pray we take time to remove ourselves way from party lines and even Christian politically based/influenced programs/shows.  To step back and examine where bitterness and unforgiveness have taken place.  That we will see and realize the object of offense.  To do an about-face with demonizing people; organizations of people; religious groups; groups of thoughts/philosophies; or even race.  To realize we align ourselves with The Accuser by condemning God’s creation as demon’s themselves.

Abba, I pray we are able to separate the offense/sin from the human being who commits it.  That nothing is past your restoration.  I pray we are more concerned with how You see Your Creation…their eternal destination that You wish to spend eternity with each of Your Creation.  However, they are unknowingly deceived, bound, damaged, and/or diverted from seeing You correctly.  Without seeing You correctly…how can we expect them to want to follow Your Law?

 

You are Lover of the Wanderer, the lost sheep, the missing coin…  You pursue the lost passionately and feverently.  You are not concerned with Your level of comfort…or the magnitude of the offense.  You desire none shall perish.  You are not concerned with how right You are, because You have no insecurities of Your righteousness.  You are not threatened by sin.  Instead You pursue the offender even more in tenderness and humility in Agape love; not in condemnation.  You see every individual and group with the Love of an Abba-Father.

 

Abba, help us to remember the parable of the servant who did not forgive the debt to them immediately after being forgiven an un-payable one.  Help us remember no political stance that harbors anger can display Your righteousness. That no offense to us can out due our grievances against You.  To know You clearly said if we do not forgive another (or hold resentment) that God will not forgive us.

Change our hearts.  Mold us to You.  Remove the scales from our eyes.  Shake our world view to match Yours.  Humble our pride which is an offensive stench in Your nostrils.  We want to be a delight; not a grievance or road block to Your way of higher ways.  Remove our insecurities that so easily entangle us in offense.  Take away the blinders that make us comfortable and satisfied with our blame and finger pointing.  Teach us patient endurance so that we will continue on the right path.  I pray we would be rooted and grounded in love to ALL people(s).  So that we can experience You more fully.  So that our relationship is no longer hindered by our own prejudices hidden deeply in our thoughts and actions.  Remove this rubbage from our hearts that hinders Your Work in our life and thus hinders our effectiveness in our circle(s) of influence.

Abba, make us aware of how foul this stinks up your temple when we worship.  You inhabit the praises of Your people, not in their criticism, condemnation, cynicism, or a critical spirit.  We limit, personally, Your move when we hold onto such embittered anger.  Help us to see this as we received Your love.  Give us ears to hear.  Eyes to see.  A heart of wisdom that isn’t an unbalanced mercy.  Most of all gives us You.

Turn our hearts to prayer with all our grievances instead of anger.  Point this emotion into a more productive tool; rather than a foothold for Satan or a little fox eating away at us slowly.

Amen.

Reflections of a Family Visit

You see, I dread visiting my hometown.  Perhaps obligation to honor my father, stepmother, and family from a biblical standpoint are my motivation at most.  Coming home to the wars waged against this or that family member with some laundry list of new offenses await my arrival.  Caught in the middle of this feud is not a home; it’s a WW4 waiting to erupt again with a different listening ear crossing state lines.  No rest waits for me, but typically new induced wounds I take in silently from a bitter people that leave me running to the state lines.

This time, however, started out differently.  One could trace it back to when I was pregnant with my son and hospitalized for over a month before his birth.  My biological father poured out love on me.  Declared his deep concern (in which I didn’t hear much of in growing up) and was more considerate than I could have ever imagined.  That behavior left my brother and myself scratching our heads wondering what happened to our dad.  This demeanor, 2 years later as I still hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop, has continued steadily.

Last week as my little family crossed state lines of a 14 hour drive…I felt an odd euphoric sense of joy that I did not understand.  I wanted to dance.  Shout “victorious”….but I had no explanation as to why.  Typically, I cross those boundaries of that province with apprehension.  Awaiting the next blow.

This year was a 180^o turn around.  Not only was my dad friendly, he was physically affectionate…thoughtful…patient…careful with his words…and we barely heard any venom-ness spiteful things about so-and-so-family member.  My step mother followed suit in this same fashion.  Visiting them was actually peaceful and enjoyable.  Tears filled my eyes for the first time when we left, because I was sad to leave.  In my entire life, I can say I’ve never felt this way about my hometown.  Looking forward to my visit next year.

Quickly though my gratitude to this change of venue went to anger as we reached our hotel for the night.  Where was this when I was a child?  Where was this when my mother died and grieved her loss?  Where was this when he remarried and rejected me?  Where was this when I ventured to the Midwest and faced being burnt by two churches?  Where was this as I faced the deepest caverns of depression that had been stuffed down for over 15 years?  Where was this when I married my husband?  Here I am 35, settled, married, stronger than I’ve ever been before, and this peace I longed for my entire life just now enters my life when I don’t need it.  I had stopped hoping it would ever come to be…a father’s love and complete support of his daughter.  God had filled that abysmal void in my heart & soul.

Ironic that anger would be my reaction after finally receiving what that little girl had desired for so many long years ago.  Yet, it occurred to me this is a normal grieving process.  Why wouldn’t I feel this way?  I had been robbed and wrongly treated.  I imagine family members of a long time drug/alcohol addict who had been hurt so many times over the years face the same thing.  While they are grateful and overjoyed at the transformation of MN Teen Challenge graduate; I suspect there is pain that comes to the surface that is un-dealt with.  Things that demand reconciliation.  There would also be a sense of distrust in awaiting for new convert to turn around to the addiction again.  Though one hoped this about-faced had more of a permanent residence.

You aren’t being ungrateful for a change when a turnaround happens… You’re grieving what was stolen and one wants to protect from getting hurt again.  With the given past history, it’s quite understandable anyone would feel this way.  To pretend that it isn’t there is not realistic or being honest with yourself.  To not allow a person to change isn’t fair to them as well.  Yet these conflict of emotions exist and must be walked through with Jesus in sight and His followers.  If you shut down then you hinder God’s move in you.  If you pretend you’re o.k. then you trump God’s transformation in your own heart.  You can’t heal by staying steeped in deep hatred.

There is nothing wrong with this reaction, despite misguided convictions of all anger being evil.  You can’t heal without acknowledging and working through it.  God is close to those who call on Him in truth and if you can’t be honest with yourself…then you will not move forward.

He Waits for Me

Your path led through the sea,

Your way through the mighty waters,

Though your footprints were not seen.

Psalm 77:19 (NIV)

He Waits For Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I run away from the pain

When I tarry along the path

You wait for me.

When I wonder where You’ve been

When I learn the hard way

You wait for me.

When I listen and observe

When I grieve

You wait for me.

When I blame You

When I struggle with what You’ve said

You wait for me.

When I pray for my own gain

When I elevate myself in front of my peers

You wait for me.

When I condemn instead of love

When I take sides instead of Your full wisdom

You wait for me.

When I just don’t comprehend

When I’m busy with running in circles

You wait for me.

When I hold my child in my arms in tenderness

When I tap my foot in impatience towards You

You wait for me.

When I ill in bed far away from home

When I’m too wounded to stumble forward

You wait for me.

When I sob at Your feet

When I ignore Your Call to spend with You

You wait for me.

When I don’t reach out to love the unlovable

When I spend more time complaining then counting my blessings

You wait for me.

When I forget You said You are always with me

When I’ve convinced myself I’ve been disowned & abandoned.

You wait for me.

When I accept the accuser’s lies

When I let hopelessness overtake me like a sandstorm

You lovingly wait for me.

When I sleep, eat, breath, live….

You wait for me.

~~~~~~

Yesterday, I was overcome with gentle conviction as I worshiped at church.  The

song conveyed a desperation of waiting for God.  Yet, I knew without a doubt I had been lacking in this area of waiting on Him.  Not only that, but I knew even when I do have my act together….He waits for me far more than I ever do for Him.  You can’t out-wait God.  His love, grace, understanding and timing is beyond all measure.  We sing that we are waiting on God, but do we realize how much HE WAITS FOR US every second of every day.  His waiting is so precious, tender, and enduring.  Laden in passion to see the right time be applied to every situation in our benefit.

How dare I tap my foot in impatience with how much He waits for me?!  How dare I blame Him for not acting soon enough when His timing is always best, but doesn’t suit my timetable.

He waits for me & He waits for me.  He lovingly waits for me.  You are that precious to Him!

“Sky and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.”

Matthew 24:35 AMP

The Attack from Behind

I think we make one common mistake when we look at Ephesians 6 regarding the armor of God.  While the text particularly focuses on the singularity of our armor; it doesn’t mean we are doing it alone.  Scripture tells us we are in an army against a foe who doesn’t fight fair.  One that uses our wounds against us, the rulers and powers in our life against us, a resounding roaring lion, a deceiver, an accuser of the brethren, etc. etc. etc.

 

In a war, you belong in an army that is mutually fighting the same adversaries.  You can’t be a legion in of yourself.  It is not possible.  The body of Christ is specifically made to need each other.  While one usually fights in lines facing each other; inevitably the battle will rage all around in a wide circle surrounded.  Movie hype will show a singular person transcending human potential by overcoming the insurmountable attack in some kind of divine moment.  While that makes good for a good profit, but this is completely unrealistic.  However, the more astute scenes show a few companions with their backs to each other covering the barrage from all sides.

 

We need each other, desperately.

 

Despite what pain that has been poured out in your life in disappointments and blatant smacks to your importance…  You cannot operate properly in your very relationship with God by walling everyone out.  You will not grow.  You will not thrive.  You will be stagnant and wonder why you flounder.

 

There is another factor to consider.

 

While you cannot fight this alone, neither can anyone else.

 

Do you see someone floundering?  Do you see a flaw(s) in their ways of handling life?  Do you see a huge wound that makes them walk with a gimp?  Do you see a theology that doesn’t line up with scripture due to incomplete teachings?  Do you see misapplied legalistic tendencies?  Do you see bitterness that is eating someone alive?  Is there a Christian leader you see getting off track?

 

Rather than pointing the finger in condemnation; won’t you pray for your brother(s) and/or sister(s).  No one is perfect.  No one can have every battle in line and be aware of every single combatant ready for an ambush.  Pray for them fervently.  This is not the time to go after those being attacked and deceived, but to realize the craftiness of our enemy.  No one is immune to his deception and he does not play by the rules.

Know your true enemy.  It is never a human being.  That is the ultimate deception.

 

We can all be struck from behind …blindsided….in the midst of combat.

~~~~

 For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.

Ephesians 6:12 (AMP)

You Can’t See in the Pit

Nearly a 1 ½ years ago, my son was born and a lie had permeated my brain that I would not love him.  It had been 48 hours since I saw him born and I still was so ill I hadn’t made it to his NICU room.  My first night consisted of begging for a catheter, because I nearly blacked out just trying to sit up in a walk to the restroom with a nurse’s assistance.  After a month of feeling like a spectator (sequestered into my hospital room) the little bundle had safely made his way into the world and I was too debilitated to even make it out to see him.

The lie screamed I didn’t love my son, because I couldn’t will myself into getting to that NICU room.  My husband had seen him several times and watching this man tormented over staying with me or seeing his new son.  The thoughts of all the tubes and wires sent me into a tailspin of emotion that I couldn’t contain.

Sitting on that couch in the hospital’s provided hotel for extended stay of patient’s I poured out my heart over the phone to some very dear souls.  Each comforting me that I indeed would be a good mother and that I loved him.  At that moment of time it was hard to imagine anything but the current sorrow drowning my flailing emotions.

Yet, 1 ½ years later I find the lie laughable.  How could I have been so thoroughly convinced I would not love my son?  I was a brand new mother who had been through a lot in the constant watch of his progress of health previous to his arrival.  My heart at times will feel like it’s going to nearly explode with how much I love him.  Thousands of kisses I’ve planted on his head and hugs I’ve given would attest my care.  Adoring his every movement.  Nights full of concern when he was ill.  Countless times I’ve tickled and enjoyed the belly laughs in euphoria of his joy.  Watching with pride with every new skill he learns and yet mourning the season of babyhood ending.  The new worry of not being able to give my son as much time with newest addition due at the end of November…

A year and half later the lies are so obvious.  In the midst of the deep abyss I could not even see a week from that day being anything positive, much less a year.

Know that when you are in the pit; you are not seeing straight.  The body of Christ is a necessity in keeping us on track even when it is not what we want to hear much less put into practice.  Prayer and time in His word is so desperately needed to keep us on the path of the straight and narrow.  This is not the time to wander off from the herd and wallow alone.

No matter how long and deep the sorrow if you are resting in the Savior’s arms listening to his leading…

This too shall pass.  I guarantee it.  The Prince of Peace promises it.

 ~~~~

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

John 14:27 (NLT)

And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself any more, but your eyes will constantly behold your Teacher.  And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left. 

Isaiah 30:20-22 (AMP)

He tends his flock like a shepherd: 
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

Isaiah 40:11 (NIV)

Alive Again – Matt Maher

Spiritual Warfare vs. Depression

Usually hits me at the weirdest moments that something isn’t quite right.  Thoughts regarding how numerous different episodes have rendered my heart wounded.  Poked and prodded at sore spots.  Wondering why memories are flooding me at all angles that leave a resounding sting.

My enemy has studied me well.

Normally I am hesitant to create a scapegoat that specifies the difference between depression and an attack from the enemy.  From life experience I’ve found the two often go hand and in.  Why wouldn’t the accuser take advantage of my vulnerable state to get me more isolated?

Yet, when thoughts are so random and unrelenting until I realize the source isn’t myself loathing….   When a sudden peace comes over me as I name my enemy.  That is when I realize something is amiss and the accuser has me taking the blame that is not mine to own.

When I am badgered about how I am so weak and hopelessly incurable that is when I choose not to make agreements with the pointing finger.  When all I can see is the current circumstance and where I’d rather be that is when I call on my Prince of Peace to help me put the serpent under my heel of my foot.

Some of us have made agreements with Satan for so long that we can’t tell what’s our thoughts and what are evil one’s suggestions.  That is where we call on the Holy One to rewire our thoughts to His thoughts.  Knowing without question that Abba is right by our side to walk us through this warfare.

Stop and ask; who am I really listening to?  Perhaps a combination of lethal agreements and ill perceived notions of oneself.  With all it might be, it’s best to bring it before the Father to find the source.

 ~~~~~~~~~

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your fellow believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

1 Peter 5:7-9 (TNIV)

Memorable . . .

As Facebook typically does; I was recently was reconnected with previous jr. high student that I was a youth leader to.  My college years.  The group of jr. high students who thought I could do no wrong.  My girls considered it a great privilege to have an overnighter at my college dorm room apartment.  Watching them grow and learn and great acceptance of me was nothing I’d ever forget.  Decades of finding no value in myself to have them embrace me with the coolness factor just for being myself.  I made embarrassing them in public by being embarrassing a fine art and they loved it.  Perhaps a small equivalent to being a rock star.

Sara, this beautiful quiet silk haired blonde who had a ton of smarts asked if I remembered her over 10 years later.  The email was almost as if she believed she wasn’t memorable.  To me the whole gang of 20+ jr higher’s were unforgettable.  Observing my struggles after my mother had passed away.  Even sending me encouragement cards. While Sara wasn’t outgoing, but more thoughtful and reserved…  Sara was mature and wiser than her peers.  Sara, I had the most hope for her future.

Yet, what do I say to such a precious soul without sounding accommodating to a low esteem?

The truth.  What I remember.  Spilling it out.

You almost want to scream, “How could you think I wouldn’t remember you?!?!”  Feeling the passion of my Abba, heavenly Father radiate from every fiber of my being.

Halted in thought; I realize I am the same with my Savior.

Not finding myself worth His time.  Believing I am more of an annoyance than a joy.  Believing if I’m not out in front with some kind of worthy recognition; I must not be memorable.

Can you imagine it?  Can you hear His cries deep within His heart?  Do you even find it fathomable He could feel so much love for you?  Picturing His eyes piercing and overflowing with compassion yelling,  Yes…YES… I love you!  Yes, I am here.  Yes, I remember and I have NEVER forgotten.  I have not, can not, and will not ever forget you!

You are memorable.  You are on His mind every moment.  His heart breaks with the shame you feel.

Test it.  See.  Ask Him today what He thinks of you.

 

~~~

 

For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10 (AMP)

 

I Didn’t Sign Up for This. . .

I had a counselor that liked to quote me on a particular remark upon the discovery of my husband’s sexual addiction.

“I didn’t sign up for this.”

Looking back at the utterance of my heart it does bring a chuckle and probably the reason my counselor found it so amusing.  A manifesto of the human heart truly speaking forth.

You walk into certain life situations that you’ve prepared for.  Read the book.  Did the series.  Bought the DVD.  Even went to counseling.  Dotted all your i’s and crossed all your t’s.  Only to be foiled by some curve ball you weren’t ready for.  But if we are brutally honest; one couldn’t be prepared until we have lived it.

Indignant, is what I felt immensely.  I, the virgin, walked into this marriage.  Waited.  Denied what my flesh wanted.  Oh yes, I knew he wasn’t.  He had told me as much.  I even knew that he had a little struggle, but in my ignorance I decided it was due to not having an outlet.  Never could my hypothesis been more wrong.

“I didn’t sign up for this.”

Yet here I was in the middle of some deeper abyss despite my good behavior and honor roll performance in my Christian walk.  Wasn’t he supposed to save me from my peril  and not be the dragon?!

One can go on a tirade of how unfair it is that bad things happen to good people.  However, the reality being is we are in a fallen world.  Life is life.  You can do everything right and everything bear out all wrong, though not of your making.

Real life isn’t about brownie points, getting that gold star, doing the most, achieving so you outrun bad times, etc. etc. etc.  The real life is about deciding what to do with what is given to you at a particular moment.  Outwardly life can be all wrong, but inwardly it can be overflowing with peace like a river.  God holds us responsible for our response and actions.

You may have not signed up for this, but you did say “Yes, Lord.”

What does He ask of you today?

~~~~

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 (NLT)

Frodo: “I wish none of this had happened.”

Gandalf: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”