Travel Log 13

Since I have to sit and think awhile for the password to my account …  I deem it overdue for an entry.

My oldest has been out of school for a few weeks and I can tell what little free time I had is now eaten up in taking care of him.  It has been exhausting to me especially in navigating with tender heart.  I have made flash cards for  “transitions” and at first it seemed futile.  But now things are going somewhat more smoothly and a lot less frustration.   Realizing I need a larger board for all the “new” ones we have been coming up with.  Seems my thermal laminator’s purchase was well worth the $$.  Last night I started using Melatonin before bed and it’s kept him from getting up in the middle of the night turning on his light.  And Gammy bought him a weighted blanket.   With more tools in our arsenal it’s getting easier, but two days ago he was melting down ALL DAY and took I could not to want to beat the child.  Needless to say he spent a lot of time in his room so mommy could cool off.   Days like that I feel like a horrible mom for reacting that way, but I do know it’s only human and quite normal.

Intimacy, well… I was a tigress for a while.  Which makes me laugh….b/c I thought…so this what I’m supposed to be feeling in a marriage.     DH decided to tell me he was in mood after a week of it not happening (due to various schedules and kid things going on) and I felt like I was slapped in the face with insensitivity.  It was the day when the eldest had so many melt downs and had told DH of them.  I was so spent that it just really got to me….and I didn’t expect it.  Today, I had to openly admit to dh that I’m not ready for him to tell me that….and I know being honest is the quickest way to healing, but I felt like hypocrite saying it.  The whole condemnation in my head of being a bad wife.  Ever since then I have had this  “don’t touch me” attitude that I’m having a hard time shaking…b/c I think he expects sex.  And…Tessa can’t go there right now without bursting into tears.  Someday, I’ll understand this healing process. “ But is not today.” (Think LOTR)

I am looking forward to July, b/c my besty-friend is coming to see me.  Eldest starts his Summer School geared specifically for ASD students (thus the testing will start).  It is a humorous thought to think I was so heart sick over him going to school at 2 ½ years old….and now I am excited for him to go back b/c of the progress that was made.

FYI, I was referred to this website called “MyAutismTeam.com” and it is a fabulous place for support and information.  I have to give it kudos, b/c it’s narrowed searches down to what actually is factual and helpful.  Google is an awful place to try and search for stuff with this subject.  Too overwhelming!

Well that’s all I have tonight.  God Bless.

Travel Log 12

Trying to think a whole new way with  a child with ASD is very challenging.  I’ve backed off on verbal cues and tried more visual cues.  It’s challenging, b/c my natural instinct is to verbalize right away.  Then to switch back and forth between my 3 year old with ASD and then my 1 ½ year old who takes verbal cues.  DH and I are coming up with some flash cards for transitions before our big trip in August.  I’m hoping this will create less tension and melt downs.  So far the visual cues are about 50% effective as he gets used to them, I think.  But the melt downs have noticeably decline.  Still there, but not as many.  Interesting trying to figure out what is ASD behavior and what is defiance of a normal 3 year old.  Lots of prayer for discernment and wisdom.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I asked my psychiatrist the last meeting if my lack of interest in intimacy with dh had to do with how run down I was (the anxiety the medication is treating-Buspar).  More than likely yes was there answer.  Obviously you can’t just say a factual yes, b/c it’s a subjective observation.  What I have, also, noticed is my headaches and migraines have decreased as well.  I’m looking back at my life and I wonder if my “anxiety” sent the wrong messages to people and thus they weren’t as inclined to befriend me or reach out.  Lately, I’ve had a number of people reach out to me and just love on me.

It makes me sad to think and realize this.  I had no idea the anxiety was ruling my life by biological default of the course of life.  I never had a chance to recover.  It was one thing after another since my childhood.  Just surviving and your body can only take so much.  And…no wonder I was so run down.  When I filled out a time line of my life…I filled out 4 pages of major life events with no problem at all and wept through the reliving of memories.   I’m still not done with the list; I just haven’t been able to revisit it yet in processing my oldest ASD.

Next week at the age of 36 I get braces, aren’t you jealous?  It’s in preparation of a jaw surgery due to how my teeth are hitting.  My back molars are almost ground down to the nerve due to it.  The surgery takes place 9-12 months after the braces are on.  Surgery happens and then another year of braces to keep things in place.   I’m sure eating will be a whole new thing and sandwiches much easier to handle 😉  The consults for this whole process were numerous, but the last one was the most traumatizing and I laugh at it now.  It was the meeting with the Oral Surgeon—showing me the skull and what they would be doing.  All I could think of was That’s my face!  My Face!    This week they put on the separators between my back molars my teeth ache to even eat a banana.  This is not going to be fun. 😛

One thing I’ve come to in my walk with God is I’m done being entitled to a “good life.”  Not that I want a horrid one, but the idea I’m entitled to the “normal” everyone wants.  That just b/c you were a virgin before marriage doesn’t automatically grant you a euphoric marriage.  That just b/c I am a Christian doesn’t automatically get me normal children.  That just b/c I’ve served God faithfully does not mean I will be rewarded in the way I deem fit.  Nor does it mean my life will be absent of pain.

God has called me deeper.

God has called me higher.

God disciplines the one He loves.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twnAwiO1O9U&sns=fb

Travel Log 11

It’s been a wearing weekend with my oldest. Several outbursts and everything was “no”….even if he wanted it. My in-laws were so supportive and encouraging and I am blessed to have them. Now I sit here wondering the reasons behind the constant defiance to anything that is not his idea. We are trying to learn to cue him and that isn’t always successful as we try to find a rhythm. The longer this goes on the fewer my doubts are that test for Autism will provide some answers and helps we need. Right now we just wait it out until the testing and it’s going to be a long haul in the process. When the average person uses words to communicate…having that cut out is debilitating in how to respond or what to do. Naturally you fall into natural instinct. I keep praying for wisdom and discernment to pick up on these cues….I don’t know what the missing puzzle piece is with him…and I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good by our current responses.

Other things…on the positive my intimate life with my dh has been a bit more regular in occurrence and I desire it. Which is such a huge step for me. However, when we arrived home he expressed an interest verbally after this hard weekend and I wanted to throw him through the wall. Like, “Excuse me?! Have you not realized yet that the reason I was so platonic before was due to stress and depression. After the weekend we had….you want me to go someplace I can’t?!” He looked at me puzzled as if it was news to him that I was so deflated from our son’s constant outbursts of anger. I did mention it several times and he did relieve me of watching our son, but that wasn’t all I was communicating.

Le sigh. He is a good man, but sometimes I think he thinks I’m more “healed” than I am. h perhaps it’s one of those pink & blue moments where we don’t get each other. I know he would never knowingly try to press the subject if he knew I was hurting.

I’ve been astounded at the amount of support from family & friends with revealing our oldest possible diagnosis. Especially the amount of helpful information is out there. The teachers and the specialist that are more interested in his strengths instead of treating him like a “problem & inconvenience.” If there was any shame I felt…there just wouldn’t be any room for it.

God’s constant message to me as of late….is you are not alone. I am right here with you. You are not facing this on your own. You can’t get rid of me 😉 This passionate pursuit of me and leading me by the hand through some turmoiled waters. Walked off that boat and just letting Jesus lead me as we walk me on the water.