There’s been so much going on it’s hard to know where to start at times. Ian was officially diagnosed with Autism. I was asked to be a MOH in a wedding. Brother’s wedding. Family peace keeper (me) right after my dad’s surgery. Just a lot to digest and just survive.
Dad’s surgery was not able to be done, due to his health issues. He is not a candidate for other surgeries due to his poor health as well. This news all right before the wedding I was a MOH in and bachorlette party. I decided to put it up on the shelf and not fully think through the depth of what it meant until after the occasion. This was this last weekend. Technically speaking they tried doing this surgery 3 times. So this 109 pound man that once stood 6’2” time will be coming to an end sooner than later.
Right now one of the many emotions I feel is guilt. Guilt of over feeling relieved he won’t’ be able to cause anymore pain in my life (only like a dad or mom can do). That this chapter is coming to an end. Relief that I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop in finding out something else I had supposively done wrong by his account.
At my brother’s wedding in just watching him, I wasn’t sure he’d be around the next year.
I feel sad for my step mom. She is really dependant on him physically due to her bad knees and diabetes. She rarely leaves the house due to the pain they cause her and she’s put off the knee surgery due to my dad’s declining health.
At first last week I was upset, but it wasn’t news I hadn’t been expecting TBH. I’m surprised this man has lived this long with his whole myriad of health issues from his service in the military. The last few years with each family visit…I could see the heavy decline and watch my dad’s frame wilt. We’ve almost lost him a few times already and I just attribute his stubborn nature for still being alive.
It wasn’t until this last year that I was really able to accept that my dad actually loved me. That he did actually care, b/c of all the pain he’s caused and the many things I have to deal with emotionally. I kept waiting for the honeymoon period to end…for something else to start WW3. His love was always stipulated with what I did or did not do.
I see now he is aware of the effect his words have, even though there hasn’t been any acknowledgement of this. Long ago, I accepted and mourned that I would never receive an apology. That he would never be the dad I needed or wanted. However, it is hard to equate someone cares about you when those attributes do not exist in the relationship. Especially in one where your thoughts/emotions are always invalidated as childish/immature/un-educated enough (life experiences)…etc…etc…etc.
So I’m really not sure what do with it all. I’m finally letting myself process this…and quite grateful that my mind & body actually cooperated in this grieving process.
I guess I am thankful this painful part of my life is going to end soon, but he still is my dad.
tessagroves 