Unexpected Package

One Christmas I decided to believe in Santa Clause, partially out of peer pressure and the tantalizing prospect of getting better gifts than previous years.   As the day approached, I dreamed of Cabbage Patch Dolls that mom refused to get me due to the WWF event t required to obtain one.  Sitting by the tree I opened it up last as to not seem ungrateful for my families lesser gifts.  The box was of medium size and had all the possibilities of things I hoped for, yet I was severely disappointed with the set of drinking glasses.  This was not at all what I had imagined or hoped for and at that moment I decided Santa wasn’t worth believing in much to my parent’s chagrin.

Cyrus was one those presents from God that didn’t fit how the captives had imagined the promised deliverance.  His path was blessed and his power was completely given by God in order to provide Israel with Redemption.  Heck, Cyrus is even stated not to “acknowledge God” and is a key part to this freedom of their enslavement.  It’s easy to condemn this group of people when we have the benefit of 20-20 hindsight.  These Israelites questioned God on His chosen deliverance, but who could blame them?  This didn’t at all fit in the box they had been pictured, perhaps even preached at that time.

How are we any different?

In my short life thus far I keep finding the same scenario over and over again with my requests of God.  Abba grants me a small glimmer of what future plans He has for me and I have decided how it should come.  I have decided when it should happen.  I have imagined various ways God will fulfill His promises (or even just how I wanted life to flow) to others and myself.  Preachers and teachers of my time even have an effigy of examples that tickle my senses.

Thus it most certainly must be God leading me, correct?

No.  Not when I center it around what is more comfortable and pleasurable to my glory.  Even my thoughts of grandeur in ministry that God has directed can be self centered instead focused on His glory.

Therefore I find myself quite distraught that God has somehow abandoned the Words He has given me.  Questioning that I am unable to hear from Him.  Perhaps I am taking too long?  Was He dangling a manipulative carrot?  Is He worth following if He doesn’t deliver like the vending machine button I pressed for my goody.

The quandary is my outlook and not in how God choose to perform His answer.  If I were truly open to His ways I would allow Him to define it.  I would accept that my very minuscule resume is quite limited in comparison to His palette ready to paint.  I would trust that His timing and actions can do far more than what my mind can conceive.  Even when my deep hurts scream at injustice; I could look outward and ask God what He plans to do with this rather than “why me”.

That present will always come in more wonderful ways than we can ask or imagine, but there is pain involved.  There is inconvenience.  There is frustration.  There is challenge.  There is stretching of the very doctrines and conviction rooted in our core beliefs.

Yet after accepting the gift as given as He defines it….we find it all worth the struggle…regardless of the package it comes in.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21, NIV

 

 

Grief has no calendar

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.

(Return of the King,Frodo)

 

One of the hardest funerals I’ve attended was not even a friend..or an acquantace of mine.  Yet a friend of my husband.  Attending as a support system, because the death was that of a suicide.  The gentleman left 2 children behind with an ex-wife.  Children the age of 2 and 4.  A deceived man that thought he had thuroughly wrecked his life so deleterious beyond redemption  that his children were better off without him; or so he thought.

 

A recent blurb from the ex-wife on the electronic world gripped my heart.  Speaking of the deep pain her children were faceing b/c of the poor choices of another.  Plain and clear it was obvious were the anger was directed.  Who could blame her, especially in the defense of her children.

 

My past hung in mind.  Death.  Grief.  Anger.  Especially well meaning people who gave me a time table to when the pain should end.  People who had never experienced death as close as a parent or much less a dear friend.  Ironically, they were the one’s with the most advice as if my pain needed silenced so they could continue on in theiry merry way of comfort.

 

Scripture clearly says we are to mourn with those who mourn.  Not to try to give comfort with empty words.  Counterproductively trying to fix a problem that only is interpretted as condemnation of their injury from life.  Or pain that inconveniences another’s life.  One jips themselves by trying to avoid the pain we feel when we see another in the midst of deep turmoil.  Unintentionally we face  the pain of our own by being present with someone elses.  Sensitivity and empathy pour out like our Father’s.  Running away simply makes us cowards to even face ourself.

 

Never give  a timetable.  Grief has no calendar.  God’s timing and direction are different with each individual.  One needs to grace themselve’s as God does with wounds of our past.  The pain never really ever leaves, but it does happen less often as we embrace what it teaches us about ourself.  Time is no healer of hurt, because I have met too many whom never allowed God to enter a wound.  Thus, they are the very place where the injury originally occurred.

 

This is not about being emo, because that in of itself goes to another extreme.  Be cognitive of the many teachers God has for you and run to the strong tower.  Your grief does not weary Him, but  He desires to walk with you every step of the way.  A lover does this with pleasure.  Therefore, to be Christlike we are to do the same with those around us.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.

(Isaiah 43:1b-2, NLT)

 

Little Explorers

My 13 month old and I are attending an early childhood class called “Little Explorers”.  The class age range is from 12-24 months and it never occurred to me the age range would be so diverse amongst its attendee’s.  My son is actually the youngest of the crowd, but at times you would never know it by his interactions with the others.  Yet there are significant differences in developmental abilities.  None of which I have decided to fret over due to some of the age range, but I know I could.

Yet, why can’t I apply the same things to myself.  I look at the past 1 ½ years with all the commotion of an omphalocele, gestational hypertension, emergency helicopter flight, preeclampsia, month long stay in the hospital, over 3 months worth of recovery from the high blood pressure, post partum depression, my job of 7 years closing its doors, unemployment, new mommy hood, anxiety, starting a new p/t job only to be taken out of it a month later with no fault of my own, and YET I wonder what my problem is.

To a friend, to a third party I could easily extend my hand of grace.  Yet to myself it’s the same old military upbringing that rules my mind.  Buck up.  Move on.  Don’t look back it’s finally over.  Yet obviously it is not in my mind.  The wounds finally have room to breathe without some other new threat looming in the skies above.

This last week I read scriptures describing God’s sovereignty.  How He knew each star by name.  How He can measure the vastness of our cosmos by the palm of his hand.  Nations are drop in the bucket to Him compared to His abilities.  He knows all the detail of every grain of sand.  On and on it goes.

Would not the same God know all I’ve faced and not have a hammer asking me why I wasn’t performing duties as usual?  Being aware of all the fear, disappointment, hormonal changes (b/c He made them!), discouragement that stand at my door and throwing rocks at my windows.  Would He say, “Get over it and get back to work?” after a death of a loved one?  The obvious answer is “No,” b/c He is the God of all comfort.

God spoke comfort to a nation after being in captivity away from their land of decades.  He knew their need despite the reason they were in Babylonian capture to begin with. This God that knows every component…cares about every detail with such scrutiny it’s nothing short of spectacular empathy.

Yet, here I sit.  Hearing all the voices of the past wounds.  My own unrealistic expectations.  Desires of perfection that are not feasible.  In misery that refuses to accept God’s comfort could be applied to me, b/c He must be tired of my whining.

Why do I run from comfort when He comes gently knocking at my door to give me rest?

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He will not grow tired and weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

Isaiah 40:28

Waiting Redefined

Waiting… it’s what lazy people do when things aren’t handed over to them on a silver platter. Waiting on the Lord is a clever excuse to say I’ve done nothing meanwhile appearing spiritual. Waiting is technique of procrastination. Waiting means you over emotional and wish not to make a mistake with an important decision. Waiting means you have no other options. Waiting gets nothing accomplished. Waiting is not for me.

I’m a Do-er. Give me a destination and I can tell you various routes to get the job done. Doing keeps thing in motion and blocks of “hiccups”. Doing means you are good at what you do. Doing keeps things relevant and cosmo.

Doing is my worst enemy.

I can’t stop when going. I don’t like interruptions. I don’t like hiccups. Delays are not acceptable. I’m not a fan of spontaneous unless it’s my idea. When I’m made to stop I am thoroughly beside myself in what to do.

Yet sitting here today I realize I’ve defined “waiting” as negative and see no positive due to continuing circumstances of abused grace. It’s not waiting on the Lord, when you haven’t even “inquired” the ear of the King. It’s simply an elegant cover up with spiritual connotations.

Yet God tells me to wait today….or yet has been probably telling me longer than I care to admit. I need waiting redefined. More fully explored rather than what my experiences have been.

It’s not waiting when you’re franticly testing everything.

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now. So that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
Heb. 10:35-36