Nearly a 1 ½ years ago, my son was born and a lie had permeated my brain that I would not love him. It had been 48 hours since I saw him born and I still was so ill I hadn’t made it to his NICU room. My first night consisted of begging for a catheter, because I nearly blacked out just trying to sit up in a walk to the restroom with a nurse’s assistance. After a month of feeling like a spectator (sequestered into my hospital room) the little bundle had safely made his way into the world and I was too debilitated to even make it out to see him.
The lie screamed I didn’t love my son, because I couldn’t will myself into getting to that NICU room. My husband had seen him several times and watching this man tormented over staying with me or seeing his new son. The thoughts of all the tubes and wires sent me into a tailspin of emotion that I couldn’t contain.
Sitting on that couch in the hospital’s provided hotel for extended stay of patient’s I poured out my heart over the phone to some very dear souls. Each comforting me that I indeed would be a good mother and that I loved him. At that moment of time it was hard to imagine anything but the current sorrow drowning my flailing emotions.
Yet, 1 ½ years later I find the lie laughable. How could I have been so thoroughly convinced I would not love my son? I was a brand new mother who had been through a lot in the constant watch of his progress of health previous to his arrival. My heart at times will feel like it’s going to nearly explode with how much I love him. Thousands of kisses I’ve planted on his head and hugs I’ve given would attest my care. Adoring his every movement. Nights full of concern when he was ill. Countless times I’ve tickled and enjoyed the belly laughs in euphoria of his joy. Watching with pride with every new skill he learns and yet mourning the season of babyhood ending. The new worry of not being able to give my son as much time with newest addition due at the end of November…
A year and half later the lies are so obvious. In the midst of the deep abyss I could not even see a week from that day being anything positive, much less a year.
Know that when you are in the pit; you are not seeing straight. The body of Christ is a necessity in keeping us on track even when it is not what we want to hear much less put into practice. Prayer and time in His word is so desperately needed to keep us on the path of the straight and narrow. This is not the time to wander off from the herd and wallow alone.
No matter how long and deep the sorrow if you are resting in the Savior’s arms listening to his leading…
This too shall pass. I guarantee it. The Prince of Peace promises it.
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“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
John 14:27 (NLT)
And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself any more, but your eyes will constantly behold your Teacher. And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left.
Isaiah 30:20-22 (AMP)
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Isaiah 40:11 (NIV)
tessagroves 